High School Mutants

We all had our place in high school. Mine was somewhere between nerd and punk. I thought I was being all radical and intellectual writing graffiti like "Bombs aren't cool" and "Poverty is the lack of means of production" (a quote by the way, not my own). I even had one guy chase me down the hall yelling "Communist!" I yelled back "At least I'm not a founding member of the A**hole Party like you." Ah, memories...

I was also a bit of a drama queen--in that I took Drama and was in a couple school plays. One part I got was as a slutty cheerleader (not what I auditioned for), but because I felt totally uncomfortable playing the part of a cheerleader (nerdpunk remember), I dyed my blonde hair purple and got a buzz cut. I think I was unofficially the only punk cheerleader out there, except for those tattooed broads from the Smells Like Teen Spirit video.

I was so punk, my friend even had a mohawk. She listened to real old school punk like Sex Pistols, Clash, and DOA. Now she drives an SUV and listens to Garth Brooks. It's weird how people mutate from their high school selves sometimes.

Not me though. I'm still a nerdpunk (or punknerd). I still like science, politics, philosophy...and Green Day.

An Aside

Have our attention spans deteriorated so much that now when something happens more than once we say it's happened numerous times?

I publish the following list as a refresher:

Two times = a couple
Three to Five times = a few
More than Five times = numerous

And please, if someone says hello to you twice in one day, give them the benefit of the doubt that maybe they forgot. After all, we all forget sometimes. Look how easy we forgot what numerous means.

Quickie #2: August 25, 2010

So I heard they were building this place downtown called Bodies: The Exhibition. I thought: Great, just what this city needs--another strip club.

It does give a whole new meaning to taking it all off...

Quickie #1: August 25, 2010

I feel pathetic...or is it apathetic? I feel pitiful but somehow I don't care.

The Top Ten Reasons Why I Blog

Number 10:
To create is to live!

Number 9:
Why not?

Number 8:
Because you can't stop me...nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.














Number 7:
As David Bowie says about writing his music, I write for myself--if anyone else enjoys it too that's great.

Number 6:
The cool kids shunned me.

Number 5:
I'm a word nerd.

Number 4:
The word blog is just so darn fun to say...blaaaawgg.

Number 3:
Laughter is one of the seven natural ways of healing.

Number 2:
My computer gets lonely if I don't.

and the Number 1 reason why I blog...

I crack myself up!

Classics

Two of my faves (they're corny but cute):

Classic Joke #1

Friends of mine lived in Frankfurt but they got sick of being called Frankfurters--so they moved to Hamburg.

Classic Joke #2

Horse walks into a bar. Bartender asks: "Why the long face?"

Quickie

If an alien came to Earth and saw baby food in the supermarket would he wonder if it was food for babies or food made from babies?

The Adventures of Gromph and Flartt (Episode 2)

Esque Comedy presents The Adventures of Gromph and Flartt:

Episode 2: The Joke Factory/Meeting Seeka

Improv words (Oxford Canadian Dictionary of Current English, 2005):
dirigible (p. 223 top), xylophone (p. 989 bottom)


Gromph and Flartt have been working at the joke factory for many years. Flartt has even worked his way up to crew foreman. Their boss, Q'rel, pays regular visits to his front line staff and today Q'rel brings a new employee with him. Her name is Seeka.

Q'rel:

Mornin' Flartt, Gromph--like you to meet our newest recruit. This is Seeka. She's fresh out of comedy school and eager to start work. Flartt, I thought you could show her the ropes.

Flartt:
Be glad to. This rope here brings down the joke parts (pulls rope), this rope here let's the next department know the joke is finished and ready for fine-tuning.

Q'rel:
I didn't mean the literal ropes Flartt--just figuratively speaking. I thought Seeka here could pick up a thing or two about making jokes from two of the best in the business. By the way Flartt, I was looking at your joke-time ratio the other day and you still need some improvement. Remember, when you slow down the line, the entire plant slows down--so STEP IT UP! Make them jokes faster! Time is money!!!

Flartt:
Sure, I'll just pull the jokes out of butt for ya Q'rel, that should save us some time.

Q'rel:
Look Flartt--you are the best, that's why I keep you around, but don't get all insubordinate with me you hear. I'm still the boss! Well, Seeka I'll leave you now, if you need me I'll be in my office. It's the BIG ONE over there up the stairs.

Q'rel leaves. Seeka walks over to Flartt and leans in beside him, asking:

Flartt:

We have these parts to work with (there are two blocks in front of Flartt--one says dirigible, the other xylophone). 

Seeka:

Do you just get whatever parts they give you and you have to make them work?

Flartt:

Well, sometimes. And sometimes we make up our own parts by using scraps of other parts. It's all rather complicated. Look, just watch for now. It'll take a while for you to really get how things are done around here.

Seeka:
Of course. I'm just so glad to be here. I'm sure I'll learn a lot from you--both.

Flartt and Gromph confer with each other while moving the joke blocks around. They pick up other smaller pieces, and the joke starts taking shape. Seeka is quite impressed at the efficiency of the two of them as they create the joke. They speak very little, but seem to read each other's minds about where to place what part. Soon a joke takes shape and Seeka laughs as the final product is completed...

Hindenburg Sausages: they explode with flavor.

Seeka:

Hey, that's pretty good--so you don't have to exactly use the word "dirigible" you can simply use the idea?

Gromph:
Whatever works. Comedy isn't easy, so you make the best of what you're given. As long as it's funny, people generally don't care how a joke is made.

Flartt continues moving parts around, his face scowling in frustration.

Flartt (asking Gromph):
I need a word that rhymes with xylophone.

Gromph:
Let's see...sieg hiel gnome?

Gromph:

My dial tone?

Gromph:
Milo Jones?

Flartt:
Who? Never mind, none of those work. I'm trying to make a limerick about a xylophone player in love with a stripper.

Gromph:
Make the stripper British and use "hide those scones."

Flartt:
Hmmm. No...it's allright, I've got it.

There once was a player of xylophones

who wiled away hours with wild old crones.

Then he fell for a stripper

who could have been thicker,

but alas was no more than a pile o' bones.

Seeka:
That's great! Well, I guess I should get to work. Now that you've shown me the ropes (pulls the rope that brings down the joke parts).

Hmm...

Flartt:
Need any help?

Seeka:
There's a priest, a rabbi, and a leprechaun.

Flartt:
Well, that's easy....

Seeka:
Yes...the leprechaun says:

Flartt:
Not bad...for a rookie.

In fact, Flartt thought, it was pretty good. This Seeka was funny...not as funny as him of course, but still there was something about her. Funny, and cute. He hated her. He had to, because Flartt was in no way ready to like any girl, not just after having his heart stomped on by Ashu, his ex-girlfriend. He might have to work with Seeka, but he wouldn't make things easy for her. Yes, Flartt thought, it would be better all around for him if this girl left the factory...and Flartt was about to make things so tough for her that she would do just that.

Esque News Update: Tacomania Restaurant Patrons Arrested

Tacomania restaurants now have a secret weapon against the competition. Or rather a secret ingredient. Since last Friday, Tacomania has been selling their new and improved tacos that contain a special seasoning developed by scientists from the Kensey Institute.

For years now, Kensey scientists have been studying the effects of food on brain chemistry and have found that certain spices when mixed together with chemical compounds elicit rather, well let's say, excited feelings in persons as these foods are consumed.

Since Tacomania began the sale of items containing these spices, numerous patrons have been arrested for making too much noise and creating a public disturbance. Said one patron as they were being driven away by police, "that was the biggest tacogasm I've ever had!"

`

Esque News Update: Changes to Police Services Bike Patrol Unit

Local city police services are badly in need of more funding. It was announced today at City Hall that, due to budget cutbacks, the Bike Patrol Unit will no longer be able to afford new bicycles and will instead be outfitting officers with pogo sticks.

The Pogo Patrol should be on the streets as early as this summer. Police Services have already begun promoting the program, hoping to appeal to a younger, hipper demographic by announcing that the “Po Po is on the Pogo!”

Subliminal Advertising in the Slap Chop Commercial

Do you think maybe Vince is using some not-so-subtle subliminal advertising in the Slap Chop commercial?

Not sure? Well, let's see. Here's some of what he says:

"You're gonna be in a great mood all day 'cause you're gonna be slappin' your troubles away." (Really? Slappin'? All day? Hmmm...)

"Stop having a boring life." (Who wants a boring life! Didn't know that chopping vegetables was so exciting.)

"You're gonna love my nuts." (Hey Vince--stop the shameless self-promotion already. Are you trying to get a date or sell a vegetable chopper here.)

"Life's hard enough as it is, you don't wanna cry anymore." (At last a cure for depression!)

"We're gonna make America skinny again, one slap at a time." (At last a cure for obesity! Do we have to slap the fat people? I'm confused.)


More subliminal advertising for the Graty:

"Fettuccine, linguine, martini, bikini." (So if I buy a Graty, I can eat and drink all I want and still fit into a bikini? Awesome!)


Check out the commercial and you be the judge:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VTmC7UQj7_M