Wednesday, August 25, 2010

An Aside

Have our attention spans deteriorated so much that now when something happens more than once we say it's happened numerous times?

I publish the following list as a refresher:

Two times = a couple
Three to Five times = a few
More than Five times = numerous

And please, if someone says hello to you twice in one day, give them the benefit of the doubt that maybe they forgot. After all, we all forget sometimes. Look how easy we forgot what numerous means.

Quickie #2: August 25, 2010

So I heard they were building this place downtown called Bodies: The Exhibition. I thought: Great, just what this city needs--another strip club.

It does give a whole new meaning to taking it all off...

Quickie #1: August 25, 2010

I feel pathetic...or is it apathetic? I feel pitiful but somehow I don't care.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

The Top Ten Reasons Why I Blog

Number 10:
To create is to live!

Number 9:
Why not?

Number 8:
Because you can't stop me...nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.














Number 7:
As David Bowie says about writing his music, I write for myself--if anyone else enjoys it too that's great.

Number 6:
The cool kids shunned me.

Number 5:
I'm a word nerd.

Number 4:
The word blog is just so darn fun to say...blaaaawgg.

Number 3:
Laughter is one of the seven natural ways of healing.

Number 2:
My computer gets lonely if I don't.

and the Number 1 reason why I blog...

I crack myself up!

Classics

Two of my faves (they're corny but cute):

Classic Joke #1
Friends of mine lived in Frankfurt but they got sick of being called Frankfurters--so they moved to Hamburg.

Classic Joke #2


Horse walks into a bar. Bartender asks: "Why the long face?"

Quickie

If an alien came to Earth and saw baby food in the supermarket would he wonder if it was food for babies or food made from babies?

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Wayne Meets His Idol

Recently, Wayne the beach bum met his idol. Wayne reminds one of Spicolli from Fast Times at Ridgemont High.


He lives and breathes surfing, sun, and good times. Wayne's idol is surfing champion, Rod Mcvie, who happened to be recovering in hospital from a major surfing accident that put him, at least temporarily, in a wheelchair from two broken legs.

Wayne was so excited to meet Rod--the conversation went like this:

Wayne:
Whoa, dude, like you're my idol! I saw you man in Waimea Bay--remember that gnarly tube you cut-back after catching major airage on the lip. Brah, dat was da bomb. You gotta tell me how that felt!


Rod:
Well, you know...

Wayne:
Nah, bruddah I don't.

Rod:
Well, you've surfed, you know how amped it feels backdooring into a bump then full-on boosting it into a rip before you finally drop and just glide all the way back to land, your buds all hooting from the shore. It's like you become one with the wave, one with the universe.

Wayne:
Cool. That was totally the sickest thing ever! I so wish I could do that.

Rod:
Maybe one day kid. For now you may be a grommet, but in time and with practice you might make the big waves...

Wayne:
Nah, I can't.

Rod:
Sure you can.

Wayne:
Nah, I can't...I can't swim.

Rod:
You can't swim? So how do you surf?

Wayne:
I don't.

Rod:
What do you do?

Wayne:
I sit on my surfboard and watch from shore.

Rod:
Oh.

Wayne:
I tried to surf, but water freaks me out. I love surfing though...anything with boards. I tried snowboarding but couldn't you know...snow is frozen water.


Rod:
What about skateboarding?

Wayne:
The word skate reminds me of ice which reminds me of water...

Rod:
So you're screwed.

Wayne:
Basically. I have hydrophobia.

Rod:
So you how do you live--can you drink water?

Wayne:
No. I live on slurpee injections.

Rod:
Slurpee injections?

Wayne:
Yeah, when I was a kid I had an elongated brain freeze that lasted two weeks. I've been hooked on them ever since. My girlfriend injects my neck with slurpees every night and every morning. She has to do it just before I go to sleep or before I wake up because I get freaked at even the sight of ice.
Rod:
So you live each day with a permanent brain freeze?

Wayne:
Yah, it's awesome!

Rod:
If you're so afraid of water, how can you sit on the beach all day and watch people surf?

Wayne:
I guess I think of it like flying, and the water's like the clouds...

Rod:
Okay...

Wayne:
Dude, I gotta bolt, it was wheely, I mean really (sorry) really nice meeting you.

Rod:
Yeah, it's been real kid.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

The Adventures of Gromph and Flartt (Episode 2)

Esque Comedy presents The Adventures of Gromph and Flartt:

Episode 2: The Joke Factory/Meeting Seeka

Improv words (Oxford Canadian Dictionary of Current English, 2005):
dirigible (p. 223 top), xylophone (p. 989 bottom)


Gromph and Flartt have been working at the joke factory for many years. Flartt has even worked his way up to crew foreman. Their boss, Q'rel, pays regular visits to his front line staff and today Q'rel brings a new employee with him. Her name is Seeka.


Q'rel:
Mornin' Flartt, Gromph--like you to meet our newest recruit. This is Seeka. She's fresh out of comedy school and eager to start work. Flartt, I thought you could show her the ropes.

Flartt:
Be glad to. This rope here brings down the joke parts (pulls rope), this rope here let's the next department know the joke is finished and ready for fine-tuning.

Q'rel:
I didn't mean the literal ropes Flartt--just figuratively speaking. I thought Seeka here could pick up a thing or two about making jokes from two of the best in the business. By the way Flartt, I was looking at your joke-time ratio the other day and you still need some improvement. Remember, when you slow down the line, the entire plant slows down--so STEP IT UP! Make them jokes faster! Time is money!!!

Flartt:
Sure, I'll just pull the jokes out of butt for ya Q'rel, that should save us some time.

Q'rel:
Look Flartt--you are the best, that's why I keep you around, but don't get all insubordinate with me you hear. I'm still the boss! Well, Seeka I'll leave you now, if you need me I'll be in my office. It's the BIG ONE over there up the stairs.

Q'rel leaves. Seeka walks over to Flartt and leans in beside him, asking:


Flartt:
We have these parts to work with (there are two blocks in front of Flartt--one says dirigible, the other xylophone). 
Seeka:
Do you just get whatever parts they give you and you have to make them work?

Flartt:
Well, sometimes. And sometimes we make up our own parts by using scraps of other parts. It's all rather complicated. Look, just watch for now. It'll take a while for you to really get how things are done around here.

Seeka:
Of course. I'm just so glad to be here. I'm sure I'll learn a lot from you--both.

Flartt and Gromph confer with each other while moving the joke blocks around. They pick up other smaller pieces, and the joke starts taking shape. Seeka is quite impressed at the efficiency of the two of them as they create the joke. They speak very little, but seem to read each other's minds about where to place what part. Soon a joke takes shape and Seeka laughs as the final product is completed...

Hindenburg Sausages: they explode with flavor.


Seeka:
Hey, that's pretty good--so you don't have to exactly use the word "dirigible" you can simply use the idea?

Gromph:
Whatever works. Comedy isn't easy, so you make the best of what you're given. As long as it's funny, people generally don't care how a joke is made.

Flartt continues moving parts around, his face scowling in frustration.

Flartt (asking Gromph):
I need a word that rhymes with xylophone.

Gromph:
Let's see...sieg hiel gnome?

Gromph:
My dial tone?

Gromph:
Milo Jones?

Flartt:
Who? Never mind, none of those work. I'm trying to make a limerick about a xylophone player in love with a stripper.

Gromph:
Make the stripper British and use "hide those scones."

Flartt:
Hmmm. No...it's allright, I've got it.

There once was a player of xylophones
who wiled away hours with wild old crones.
Then he fell for a stripper
who could have been thicker,
but alas was no more than a pile o' bones.

Seeka:
That's great! Well, I guess I should get to work. Now that you've shown me the ropes (pulls the rope that brings down the joke parts).

Hmm...

Flartt:
Need any help?

Seeka:
There's a priest, a rabbi, and a leprechaun.

Flartt:
Well, that's easy....

Seeka:
Yes...the leprechaun says:
Flartt:
Not bad...for a rookie.

In fact, Flartt thought, it was pretty good. This Seeka was funny...not as funny as him of course, but still there was something about her. Funny, and cute. He hated her. He had to, because Flartt was in no way ready to like any girl, not just after having his heart stomped on by Ashu, his ex-girlfriend. He might have to work with Seeka, but he wouldn't make things easy for her. Yes, Flartt thought, it would be better all around for him if this girl left the factory...and Flartt was about to make things so tough for her that she would do just that.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

The Adventures of Gromph and Flartt (Episode 1)

Esque Comedy is pleased to present The Adventures of Gromph and Flartt:

Episode 1: The Break-Up

Improv words: chesterfield, spaced

Gromph and Flartt, who have been friends for many years, are carrying a large chesterfield through an apartment door.

Gromph:
Somehow I don't remember this chesterfield being so big.
Flartt:
As I recall you weren't available when Ashu and I moved into the house.

Gromph:
Well I was in a coma...

Flartt:
A fact you conveniently used to get out of any kind of work for two months. I'm surprised you didn't try to use that excuse again this time.

Gromph:
I tried to get my head accidentally cracked again, but you'd be amazed how difficult that is.

Flartt:
Oh look, a lucky penny....(Flartt bends down to pick up change, loosening his grip on the chesterfield, as he does the chesterfield drops on it's side and knocks him in the head). Owwwww!

Gromph:
You allright little buddy?

Flartt:
Wha happened...?

Gromph:
You hit your head.

Flartt:
Whose head?

Gromph:
Maybe you should sit down here on the chesterfield.

Flartt:
The what?

Gromph:
Couch.

Flartt:
Oh! (sits on the chesterfield/couch)

Gromph:
Well, we were done moving anyway, the chesterfield was the last of it. I can't believe you lived with Ashu for all those years and all you ended up with was a few boxes and this (points to chesterfield).

Flartt:
Who's Ashu?

Gromph:
Your girlfriend--or your ex-girlfriend I guess. You broke up with her remember? You asked if you could move in here with me till you got your own place. Don't you remember?

Flartt:
Sure, yeah, course I remember. Yeah, Ashu. (pause) Hey did I tell you she and I broke up.

Gromph:
I heard.

Flartt:
D'ya know she's seeing that guy from the bank. The guy, you know, when we went to go get our mortgaged renewed--the bank guy. Whassisname?

Gromph:
The banker.

Flartt:
Yeah. They knew each other from school and when you and I went to that, uh conference, he uh, he and she...she uh and he...

Gromph:
Schtooped?

Flartt:
Yeah. Who told you?

Gromph:
You did--yesterday. When you asked if you could move in here with me.

Flartt:
I don't feel so good, maybe I ought ta lie down.

Gromph:
Better not, you might be concussed. We should get you to the doc.

Flartt:
No, no doc. I gotta go to that thing tonight.

Gromph:
What thing? Oh, the party...

Flartt:
Yeah, Ashu will be there. TJ invited us. I gotta go, let her know I'm doin fine without her. I don't need her. She's always telling me what to do. Now she can tell ol' whassisname what to do. Good ol' whassisname. He really got me out of a jam...I don' even miss er. D'ya think she missus me?

Gromph:
Let's go get you to the doc and get you checked out. Then if you get the green light, I'll take you to the party.

Later that evening, at TJ's party...

Flartt:
Look Gromph, you gotta hep me. I feel a lil spaced out. Weird like. Those pills the doc gave me, they make me kind of out of it.

Gromph:
No really, gee I never would have guessed.
Flartt:
Oh look, there's Ashu.

Gromph:
Who?

Flartt:
Ashu.

Gromph:
Gesundheit.

Flartt:
No, there's Ashu and whassisname. Dang, whas his name?

Ashu, looking spectacular as ever, walks over to Gromph and Flartt, tagging along behind her is her new boyfriend, the banker named Zonks.

Ashu:
Flartt. Gromph. Wasn't expecting to you see you tonight.

Gromph:
Hello Ashu, who's your new boytoy?

Ashu:
Gromph, this is Zonks.

Zonks:
Lovely to meet you.

Gromph:
Lovely to meet you...guy.

Zonks shakes Gromph's hand, then goes to shake Flartt's hand, Flartt instead sticks his thumb to his nose, sticks out his tongue and makes a face at Zonks.


Flartt:
What kind of guy says lovely to meet you...oooh lovely to meet you darling (fake British accent).

Gromph:
Oooh, how lovely! (fake British accent)

Ashu:
You two, you never grow up do you? Thank goodness I've finally met a real man! And Zonks actually makes money, not just jokes.

Flartt:
Hey, makin jokes is a respectable profession. At least I work for my money, not like ol' lovely man here who just sits behind a desk all day and spits out numbers--like some kind of machine.

Flartt, who is reeling from the pain killers the doctor gave him a couple hours earlier, takes a swing at Zonks but misses and ends up flat on the floor instead.

Ashu:
Oh Flartt, you always were a clutz!

Ashu and Zonks walk away, arm and arm.

Flartt puts out his hand and his buddy Gromph helps pull him up to his feet.

Gromph:
Come on little buddy, let's go home.

Flartt:
Gromph?

Gromph:
Yea?

Flartt:
Did I get him? Did I hit him that smug sonofa...

Gromph:
Yeah, you got him. Right in his lovely old face.

Flartt:
Ooooh, how lovely.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Esque News Update: Tacomania Restaurant Patrons Arrested

Tacomania restaurants now have a secret weapon against the competition. Or rather a secret ingredient. Since last Friday, Tacomania has been selling their new and improved tacos that contain a special seasoning developed by scientists from the Kensey Institute.

For years now, Kensey scientists have been studying the effects of food on brain chemistry and have found that certain spices when mixed together with chemical compounds elicit rather, well let's say, excited feelings in persons as these foods are consumed.

Since Tacomania began the sale of items containing these spices, numerous patrons have been arrested for making too much noise and creating a public disturbance. Said one patron as they were being driven away by police, "that was the biggest tacogasm I've ever had!"

`

Esque News Update: Changes to Police Services Bike Patrol Unit

Local city police services are badly in need of more funding. It was announced today at City Hall that, due to budget cutbacks, the Bike Patrol Unit will no longer be able to afford new bicycles and will instead be outfitting officers with pogo sticks.



The Pogo Patrol should be on the streets as early as this summer. Police Services have already begun promoting the program, hoping to appeal to a younger, hipper demographic by announcing that the “Po Po is on the Pogo!”

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Subliminal Advertising in the Slap Chop Commercial

Do you think maybe Vince is using some not-so-subtle subliminal advertising in the Slap Chop commercial?

Not sure? Well, let's see. Here's some of what he says:

"You're gonna be in a great mood all day 'cause you're gonna be slappin' your troubles away." (Really? Slappin'? All day? Hmmm...)

"Stop having a boring life." (Who wants a boring life! Didn't know that chopping vegetables was so exciting.)

"You're gonna love my nuts." (Hey Vince--stop the shameless self-promotion already. Are you trying to get a date or sell a vegetable chopper here.)

"Life's hard enough as it is, you don't wanna cry anymore." (At last a cure for depression!)

"We're gonna make America skinny again, one slap at a time." (At last a cure for obesity! Do we have to slap the fat people? I'm confused.)


More subliminal advertising for the Graty:

"Fettuccine, linguine, martini, bikini." (So if I buy a Graty, I can eat and drink all I want and still fit into a bikini? Awesome!)


Check out the commercial and you be the judge:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VTmC7UQj7_M